Ars longa.

Like any normal 22-year-old, when I see Jon Gosselin, I don't see an overweight, freakishly tanned pumpkin of an Oakley-wearing douche. I see Adonis! A Michelangelesque physique that surely must be God's way of smiling upon women. Oh yes Lord, I do believe in your good grace. But seriously, Jon must be bathing in summadat B.O. "pheromone" cologne, because the ladiez just cannot get enough. Nor can I! The combo of the Bluetooth headset, the glistening crystal earring, and the A.V. (Kate never let him get his driver's license) turns me into a wild woman!

Anyway, I could talk about Jon<3 all day. But while I'm on the subject of exquisite beauty, I'd like to take a moment to reflect on a timeless theme: the status of art. And there's no better place to start than with the cover of Brooke Hogan's new (and ironically-titled) album, The Redemption.



What in the airbrushed t-shirt hell? Where are the dolphins and the sunset? Brooke knows better than this; you know homegirl has at LEAST eight spraypainted Myrtle Beach t-shirts in her closet. I am, however, 100% digging the Jasmine-inspired ensemble. Did she borrow it from her mother? No, not nearly revealing enough to be Linda's. The artist did get one thing right: Brooke is an angel. A magnificent, glittery angel who only wants to bring love into this ugly world. I believe that the artist's inspiration came from this breathtaking photograph of Brooke taken earlier this year. The beauty can be blinding, so doctors recommend only looking at it for a few seconds through a hole in a sheet of paper. No matter how captivating it may be.

And in other news, during the second week of September, Oklahoma City will unveil a statue of Angelina Jolie double-breasting-it in honor of World Breastfeeding Week. Seriously.



While in the past, Angelina has only shared her marvelous breastesses with the likes of Brad Pitt, married dudes, creepy old dudes, creepy ladies, her brother... wait. Has everyone seen Angelina's boobs but me? No word yet, by the way, on whether or not her groodies will provide moloko.

Sandy Wilson, an employee of the organization behind the Daniel Edwards sculpture, has stated: "We believe [it] sends a beautiful message by promoting the acceptance of public breastfeeding. Mothers should be encouraged to nurture their babies anywhere." Apparently Sandy missed the memo that Edwards works satirically and is the same man who brought us Suri Cruise's gilded poop. Which, now that I think about it, isn't really that satirical because Suri probably does shit gold. We just never see it because Tom Cruise immediately beams it up to Xenu via unicorn teleporter. After punishing Katie Cruise for looking him in the eye, of course.

Ack. All of this controversy is making my head hurt. How about something we can all agree on? Maybe a windswept Fabio? My brain says no, but my body says "Hell yes!"


Ahh, isn't that better.